The Babbling Brooke

Three & Six Mafia

So, it's that time of year. With all the birthdays.

Little Jae turned 3, three weeks ago, and I managed to get by without a sappy, tear-inducing post about how MYBABYISGROWINGUPGAHHHHH. You are welcome.

Big Jay turns 6 tomorrow... and for the first time since Little Jae was born, I think his is hitting me harder.

Regardless of the mix of positive and nostalgic emotions that happen this time of year for me each year, the fact is that these two are awesome.

For those of you that don't know my babies? They really are awesome, and I am their mom, so I know. I'm so blessed with happy, healthy and amazingly hilarious children. Really blessed. Thank you, God, I owe you, man.

I am sparing everyone of the annual run-down of their accomplishments. Not because they didn't have any, but because I wouldn't know where to start. They've both gone from babies to children this year. Both of them, at the same time. And I don't know how that happened.

But it's awesome. And they are awesome. And this next year is going to be full of even more awesome than we have had in the past year. Lots more.

So, happy birthdays, Big & Little. I love you both dearly. I don't know who I'd be if you each hadn't turned me into your mom.

Letter to my Son

Dear Big Jay,

A year ago at this time, we were waitlisted for a preschool program that was going to help you, and help us, with your very recently diagnosed issues. We had a previous diagnosis that year, but.. I was pretty much in denial, and clueless as to what that really meant, and as your behavior escalated your dad and I grew more and more impatient, concerned.. confused. Once we received the full assessment from the preschool, those feelings continued, but I also began trying to read and study and ingest every piece of information regarding said diagnoses to better understand you, and better parent you. We had preschool teachers before that were working hard for you, but were overwhelmed with your behaviors and were very nearly - at least, it seemed to me - ready to give up on you. And that terrified me.

A year ago, we started this path of really just trying to do whatever we could in order to get what we needed for you to be successful. To be happy again. To not be so angry, so aggressive, so... whatever you were back then.

A few months after you started in that preschool, about seven months or so ago now, we went through probably the most terrifying experience with you that I could have ever imagined going through at five years old. The unknowns and uncertainties, the questioning and debating and reacting... the overpowering feelings of helplessness.

A couple of months later, as the summer began, we noticed huge changes in you. Better choices. Maturity. Reduction in aggression. The ability to talk to us about your feelings. Less frustration. How you proactively would take steps to control your impulses and behavior, and began to really use - out loud even - some of the many, many techniques that we were working on at home, at school, everywhere we went.

And then you started kindergarten.

Today? I had my first "official" parent-teacher conference. You know, the ones that are standard and not reactive to behaviors or problems. The ones that parents of "typical" kids have, too.

And man, you are still far from typical.

You are amazing. You have improved so much that I am in awe of you now, especially when I look back to where we were a year ago. 7 months ago. Whatever.

You tested above average in every category academically, which is really no surprise to me. Beyond the first grade level in some, but beyond your age for the rest without question. Your teacher reported how articulate you are, which again is not a surprise, but makes me happy nonetheless. She said to me that you often tell other children to "please make a better choice" when they are dealing with you in a way that you do not appreciate. She said that she loves when you participate in class, which is often, because your responses surprise her every day. "I never know if I am going to get a kindergarten response, or something way, way beyond," she said.

She has never seen the boy that we knew a year ago, not so much as a glimpse of him. She barely believes that he exists. She told me about how you are a friend to everyone in the class, that you are helpful and want to see everyone succeed. How you take your time on your work, and even when you get frustrated or have trouble understanding something, you keep at it because you are determined to get it right. How, just today, you were the only child rewarded for sitting quietly for a period of time when asked. The only one.

Two weeks ago, I ended your counseling sessions because we couldn't think of any out-of-the-norm behaviors. None.

We talk to you often about how the God that we serve watches over you, protects you, and takes care of you. This is but one example. Throughout all of the trials we have gone through in the past year, He was so obviously there with you, and with us. As you walk your journey throughout life, you will always be tested, and you will always continue to have work to do. But if you continue to pass each test as you have this last year - with resilience, with determination, and with faith - you will go so far, little man.

I am so very, very proud of you and who you are. I can't wait to see where you're going.

With all the love in the world,

Mom

A New Start

Last night, Big Jay's ridiculously simple kindergarten homework consisted of two worksheets. One in which he was to "skywrite" the number one, and another in which he was to pick the picture of a "person" in a grouping of pictures (for example, pictures of farmer, barn, silo, cow). On the other side of the worksheet, he was to pick out the picture of the "animal" in the same groupings of pictures.

When I gave him the directions, he looked perplexed. Considering how easy the directions were, I worried briefly that maybe I had overestimated his ability. Is that even possible, that this would be difficult for him? Briefly, very briefly, I was concerned.

Pausing for a moment to gather his thoughts, he then said to me, "you know, mommy, people are actually animals too."

I smiled and remembered how often Big Jay has proven my expectations of him wrong.

He's had two "green" days in a row (and yes, his kindergarten room has a similar color-coded behavior system - thankfully!). I'm already so proud of him I could cry. I fully expect some challenges this year, but mostly... I expect him to continue to exceed my every expectation.

 Have fun in Kindergarten, Big Jay. :)

not ready.

I used to write stuff here, in this space. At this point, life seems almost too overwhelming to write about, as dramatic as that sounds. And, you know, maybe I'm just really really tired (I am) and that's why everything seems so big and dramatic and intimidating (it is). I sit, and my overactive brain tells me that I should probably write about all of this.. this stuff, that's happening. But then I can't because it is just so much at once.. I'm overwhelmed. I'm exhausted.

I might even be depressed, slightly, if I was honest with myself about it, which I'm not prepared to be.

As cliche as it sounds, and I completely realize how cliche it sounds I promise you, but a huuuuuuuuge part - probably 95% even - of my Overwhelmed With Feelings thing is about Big Jay going to kindergarten. I guess I just feel like things are moving too fast all of the sudden. I am well aware that once he starts kindergarten, the Growing and Changing and Moving Forward-ness of his life will just snowball... faster, and faster.. and it already feels like it's too fast. Wasn't it just a few days ago that he started at this preschool? Wasn't it just a few days before that that we chose his first preschool? Remember when he didn't know his letters? Remember when he could barely form sentences? Remember when he thought everything was the color red? Remember how much he loved Timberlake's SexyBack and any song by Fergie would make him shriek like a girl? Remember when his head was so big it would cause him to lose balance when he was running and fall over? Remember when we went on vacation and he was just pulling himself up and came back and he was walking like a pro? Remember him crawling backwards? Remember when he was chubby? Remember The Coat? Remember colic? Remember breastfeeding? Remember when he fell asleep on my chest all the time?

I remember falling in love with him. It truly feels like yesterday that I sat in the hospital room, completely petrified of what was to come. It seems like yesterday that I was 23 and felt so completely unprepared in every way for how my life was going to change. I remember sitting in that room crying, sitting in my living room crying, sitting with B crying, trying to figure out what on EARTH we had gotten ourselves into and WHERE IS THE OFF SWITCH.

If I'm honest with myself, I'm really just not ready. Just like I wasn't ready then. I'm not ready for team sports and homework and PTA meetings. For school supplies and classroom volunteering and IEP meetings. Parent teacher conferences. Grade cards.

He's so ready, though. As much as I'm not, he is. He's up for the challenge. He needs it. He'll love it. He's going to learn to read! To write! Increase his math skills! Science experiments! Recess! Friends.

I know I sound crazy and ridiculous. I do. I'm that person right now. But I'm really struggling with bringing myself out of it.

I've spent months looking for progress. Progress! Progress in behavior. Progress, milestones, changes. I've prayed so many times for us to get through the tough times, get through it.. just get past where we are now. And suddenly, I'm at a point that I don't want to get past now. I want to stay here. We're in a good place, and maybe that's the real issue. We're in a good place and I don't want to disturb our good place. I don't want to upset the balance that we've found with transitions and turbulence.. it's hard to start over with people that haven't been around and that don't understand where we've come from and all the work that has been done to get where we are now. This Good Place.

He starts in ten days.

Randomosity.

So, this week has been hard on me. Emotional where it probably didn't have to be, but I didn't actually prepare for it in that way, so it was. The email went out yesterday morning announcing that this is my last week (vacation next week, you know) and then the goodbyes started. Interestingly enough, in all of the animosity towards many of the people that I work with on a daily basis, I had forgotten that, yes actually, there were quite a few people that I really did enjoy working with throughout the years.

Beyond that, though, I have two days left there, and then vacation, and then I start a new page.

I read through my entries here from the past couple of months, and I realize how much we have kind of been put through the wringer. It's been interesting, to say the least. We went from the very very low point of only being able to see Big Jay for an hour and a half every day during the hospital visitation time, and all of the emotions and stress that went with that, to the very very high point of getting a bright, shiny brand new job, and now in two days I have my last day in the office, and then the day after that we're going on vacation.

My new position is at the same agency that hired me part time at the end of last year. I'll still partially be doing the same thing - direct service to the community - but in addition to those cases, I will be supervising a team of mentors (those doing the same thing I was hired on originally for). I will also be learning the administrative portions that go along with it.. the required documentation, working with the funding sources, etc. The agency is going through a lot of big changes right now - growing, adding resources and services - and I think I will have a pretty big impact on trying to get everyone through the growth and change processes... considering, of course, that process improvements, effeciencies and such make up a gigantic piece of my background.

All of that to say, I am wholly and completely excited to get started. I think there is so much for me to learn, I'm almost intimidated by it. But - the management team, and the agency itself, seems like such a positive and supportive atmosphere for that kind of growth, so I really think it's a great place for me to get started and begin to grow my new career.

***

Enough about me, though. My son is awesome. Can we talk about his awesomeness? Big Jay has had such an amazing couple of weeks at school, and I'm immensely proud of him. He has come home with all-green daily reports for six days straight. If that isn't progress, I couldn't tell you what is. I'm nearly flabbergasted every time I pick him up in the afternoon at the many splashes of green or the "great day!" comments left by his teachers. The Good Work stamps that line his arms just about each day from his group therapy sessions show me that the staff at his school is pretty impressed with him too. 

It's been so long since we've been here, in this positive place with him. Consistently. 

What has changed? Well. It's nicer outside, so he's had more of a chance to run energy off (when it isn't pouring down rain). I think that is a portion of it. Another portion, I have to admit, is the medicine. We increased his dosage a little less than a month ago, and also switched him to the tablet form of the Addrall, instead of the extended release capsule version. This means that he's now taking a dose in the morning and at school with lunch.

It seems to be working, no?

We have an in-home counselor now, too, although she has only been here once to just go over our goals and such and won't be back until we're back from vacation. She will mainly be working on relationship building - between Big Jay and I, but mostly between Big Jay and Little Jae. These two are awesome, but they are also siblings... and they have a huge problem dealing with one another. Any argument escalates about seventeen times faster than normal, and she has already learned how to push every button on him that we have tried to avoid, which can really be an intense place for him emotionally, especially since (even at two!) she does not back down easily. We are teaching him strategies to deal, but need to focus here on them, because even though she is younger, she is a peer.. and that is where there are still concerns. Social interactions with peers.

It is interesting to note that the majority of the issues that we still see are in the evenings and no longer at school, as we don't medicate him in the evenings. So, as Big Jay is dealing with Little Jae (and even me) in the evenings, he has no support from the medication that works so hard to help him control his impulses during the day.

Regardless, there is progress in every aspect, and we are very proud. Going on vacation on such a wonderfully high note with him makes me ecstatic for spending that time with him - where a month ago, I may have had a lot of concerns.

Love it. Hope you all are well. :)