The Babbling Brooke

Support

A lot has happened in January. For one, I started back to school. For two, my babygirl got hurt and had her first round of stitches ever. For three, I fell in love with my job probably harder than I was before, in one night.

School is alright. I'm only taking one class right now, and it's a multicultural class. It has made for some interesting discussions at home, because my readings are about the stages of determining your racial identity (which is particularly interesting considering our biracial children), and my husband just happens to be reading a Barack Obama biography and the different things that he went through.. trying to navigate our children's identities is going to be a nice little challenge for us, I think, all things considered. I was telling B the other day... the majority of those that our kids are around are black - school/daycare, church, family, etc. But most often if an outsider looks at them, they will classify them as white... considering that it is obvious that they are mixed with something... but most definitely have white features, if some of the rest are unable to be classified without asking to be sure. And then comes the question, what are you more swayed by, who you identify with because you are surrounded by them, or where society places you? In a dream world, of course, they wouldn't have to "choose," but we can't be naive to think that they won't go through stages of questioning and evaluating things, and we as parents will have to handle that as it comes. I know this topic makes people uncomfortable, but I think this is going to be something that we really have to be aware of as our kids grow, and be open to the conversations and the questions regarding race.

Moving on.... Little Jae got hurt running around a couple of weeks ago. She took a nice fall into the bottom, metal rung of a chair at church. Her lip got split open, and one of her top front teeth got pushed back in her mouth. So, she got stitches, which was HUGELY traumatic for both of us. Honestly, I think it was worse for me, and I'm not just being sensitive. She screamed and cried and was so obviously scared. She screamed for me and then just looked at me with these horribly accusing eyes, as though I was LETTING these horrible people torture her for no reason. And then?? And then she started crying out for daddy instead. As though I had failed her. It broke my heart into a million pieces.

At that point, we were also told by the pediatric dentist that her tooth would need pulled. I opted not to do that the same day, and to go back another time, as she had been through a lot already. When we went back, they decided it wasn't necessary to pull it and that it wasn't effecting her permanent tooth. Score! I was told to keep an eye out for infection or nerve damage, which would take the form of sores in her mouth or the tooth turning discolored. Well, fast forward two weeks... and yesterday I notice that her tooth is pretty much grey. Sigh. So I will have to call them tomorrow and make an appointment to get her tooth extracted. For real this time. Boo!

As far as my job goes... I don't even know where to start. We have been working to start support groups for the parents that we work with, in order for them to have support systems within their communities. With our clientele, there are often a lot of barriers - they often have no transportation, may or may not have support to watch their children, sometimes don't even have food to eat each day. Well, part of the planning for this effort was to reduce the barriers so that they could come and be listened to, and share. We transported them to our office, provided childcare, and got local restaurants to donate food to these families that may not have otherwise eaten. It was a huge effort to plan, but awesome right? Not only that, but once the group started, the ways in which these people were able to open up about what they had been through was so impactful for everyone. It is just awesome to be able to really feel like you are making a difference to them. Just listening to them, and letting them relate to one another's experiences was so huge... I loved every minute of it, and it was so powerful. It was yet another way that reminded me why I moved to this path.

I have more to write about, not least of which is my adorable new nephew that was born prematurely a couple of weeks ago (and is doing AWESOME), but I'm sick today - the weather is finally catching up to me, I think - so I'm going to go lay down while these kids watch a movie. I hope you all are doing well so far in this new year.

Recap-ish.

Let's be honest for a minute here.

If you had told me on New Years Eve last year that:

• Big Jay would spend 6 days in a hospital, and then
• Get on the honor roll his first quarter of kindergarten, six months later... or that
• I was going to up and leave my job at PNC for a full-time gig at that place I was just hired at part-time, or that
• I would be in graduate school or that
• Little Jae would be potty-trained so fast it would not even be worth mentioning, or that
• B would reunite with his paternal side, or that
• His father would pass away before he got the chance to meet him or that
• B would tear tendons in both knees,
• Have surgery,
• and be incapacitated for two months (!!!)....

I would surely have laughed in your face. Surely.

In January of last year, I wrote here that "We're both very much looking forward to the upcoming months.. 2011 has some unforeseen promise for both of us, I think, and I'm liking it." And you know what? I was so right. We have ended this year in a positive place, ultimately stronger in every arena of life. We've grown 20-fold in faith, and reaped the benefits of being faithful, despite the challenges that we have faced. Both B and I have new jobs and are on different paths. Big Jay is in a much better place now than where he began the year, and we are more confident parents. Little Jae is in preschool now, excelling and coming into her own, with so much bigger of a personality than we could have ever imagined. I started the year with really one (timid, in hindsight) goal - to gain some experience in the social service arena and continue in school. I did that, and then some. I went full-time in social services, and jumped in to pursue a graduate degree instead of a second bachelor's degree.

Through all of our tests this year, I think that B and I came out stronger, as we always seem to. Statistically, many of the issues that we have faced this year would tear a marriage apart. We've had to rely on each other - wholly - at many points this year. I could not have made it through Big Jay's hospitalization without his rationality. And he would have struggled to make it through his injury without me by his side. I mean, I think. haha. I'm so proud of our marriage how it has matured this year.

I think a few months back, I called 2011 the year of "We Shall Overcome." It was that. And I don't know what 2012 has in store, because after the year of challenges that we have had, I am sure my guesses won't even come close. I look forward to learning new things and accepting new challenges in the new year. I look forward to continuing to grow in faith. I look forward to watching my babies continue to grow, and making their faith, knowledge, and understanding of Christ a priority.

And, of course, I hope that you all are blessed in the new year. Love to you!

On Fall

Here's a recap of what I'm sure you already know: September was insanity around here. I started grad school, work ramped up, Big Jay started adjusting to kindergarten, Little Jae moved up to the preschool room, B adjusted to a new job. We celebrated our 6th anniversary, and then I had another birthday.

In the meantime, there was some drama in September, most of which is really B's story to share, as far as feelings go, but I'll gloss over the details for you because you're special: B had been trying the past few months to reconnect with his father's side of the family, again. He reached out a few months ago to some extended family members on his father's side through Facebook and was really surprised to get a positive response. He spoke with a family member over the phone a few times and got some questions answered, but hesitated a little to ask to be reunited with his father, if for no other reason than fear of being rejected - again.

I'm really leaving out lots of detail in this story, because I really feel like it just isn't mine to share in full. Personally, I struggled with him reaching out in the first place because I remember in college when he tried to reach out to his father and how hurt he was when his father's response was "that was a long time ago" and apparently didn't feel the need to extend himself to meet with B. I was extremely fearful that B would end up hurt again, but I also understood his need to know that side of himself.

Last month, after he had begun to speak with his aunt, and as B was getting comfortable in that relationship, his father passed away unexpectedly. It was before he had a chance to ask her to help him reunite him with his father. Obviously, there were a lot of emotions, mourning a relationship that could have been... those kinds of things. During that time, we were able to meet B's family members (and there are a LOT of them!) on that side of the family and hear stories about his dad's life and the kind of person that he was.

So.. I will say, we are blessed to have some new additions in our lives. I've been really happy with how his dad's side of the family has responded to B, and our family.. very accepting, for the most part, which has made things a little bit easier, I think. But as you can imagine, it's been full of emotion for all of us. We've been talking a lot about "normal" and what that means now. Considering that B has been used to a small, close-knit family, pursuing relationships with this very large extended family could mean a lot of adjusting, especially for him. So we're building relationships with them all, taking things a day at a time, and trying not to get overwhelmed in the midst of it.

So that was September! I'm not sure if I could have possible told a story and more vaguely than that right there. Ha!

That, and the fact that is now fall. And September was very grey and rainy. Some of you know that I have struggled a lot in the past with this time of year - well, usually it doesn't get so rainy and dreary so early in the year, but whatever. Throughout all of the stress and emotions of the past month, I have really just felt the sunshine disappear. I don't know how else to really describe it. On cloudy days, there is nothing more that I would like to do than sleep all day, and maybe close the door and cry. And it's about nothing in particular, really, because I very obviously know all of the blessings around me and am happy with pretty much everything in life right now... I just have trouble snapping myself out of this... weirdness... and putting on a happy face. My mother struggles with Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I think I even mentioned here at some point last year that I really think I have it as well. Each year it just seems to get stronger, and grab a hold of me as soon as the weather begins to change and the days grow shorter. I worry this year, with all of these other things going on in my life, how I'm going to keep up and stay on track. I wonder how much a Vitamin D supplement may help, and might try that out... I just want to be able to focus and keep everything moving in the positive direction that it is moving in.

Fall also brings about Big Jay's asthma issues. He was sent home from school yesterday when his inhaler did a whole lot of nothing for him. He stayed at his grandmother's today after an insanely rough night. However, I did take him to the doctor yesterday and we put him on a new controller medicine. One, might I add, that we tried a few years ago and it worked WONDERS for him - but it cost $300 a month, which was severely beyond our budget so we couldn't keep him on it. With my new job and new insurance, it only costs $15. So I'm feeling blessed and happy that we can get him under control and in the right place with that. I know I'm severely lacking sleep this week (I slept maybe an hour last night), so I can only imagine how far gone he is.

On that note.. that's where I have been! I hope that you all are enjoying fall. While I haven't enjoyed the rain and dreariness, I have very much enjoyed the cooler air. I'm starting Week 5 this week in C25k - meaning that at some point in the next few days I'm leaving walk/run intervals behind - yikes! But I'm getting amped for a 5k at the end of the month that B and I want to run together. This weekend also is my favorite weekend in October - Apple Pickin' with family friends.

So, as always, lots to celebrate, and a lot going on. I'm thankful for every minute right now. I hope everyone is well. :)

I really, really want to tell you..

• about the insane amounts of freak-out moments I've had the past four days about Big Jay starting kindergarten next month.
• about the additional freak-out moments I've had over the fact that Little Jae will also start preschool this fall.
• about how much I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my job, and all of the love-fest moments that I have about it each and every day.
• about how even though I love my job, it breaks my heart at least seven thousand different ways every day.
• about how this makes me SO EXHAUSTED on a daily basis, because I haven't yet figured out how to not let the emotions drain my energy.
• about how I think I'm going to be a Buckeye sometime in the near future.
• about how there is a possibility that my husband will be as well, although I try really hard not to speak for him.
• about how my dreams for the future are slowly coming together and working out the kinks on their own, and how awesome God is for not only allowing it, but opening my eyes to see it.
• about how awesome it is to watch my son grow into his own and have kids ask to play with him, ask if he wants to play, and even get disappointed when he's not able to.
• about how each time it happens, a little bit of the kindergarten-socialization anxiety that I have is wiped away.
• about how my boys are going on their first Boys Weekend Camping Trip in a couple of weeks.
• about how this means it will just be me and Little Jae holding down the house, and how that makes me feel like we need to go get our nails done or something, and also how weird it makes me feel to think about getting my nails done with my daughter.
• about how ridiculously awesome our July 4th weekend was.

.......and my intentions were to give DETAILS and everything..... but, like I kind of mentioned, I'm really exhausted. Drained, really. And sentences don't come easily when that happens. I think this is why my posts are infrequent anymore... I fully expect this to stop sometime in the near future, as I continue adjusting... but for now, this is all I have left to give. ;)

Updates, because they are necessary. And I have a blog.

As you probably know, I started a new job this week that has me running through every single emotion possible. I have ranged from off-the-wall excited to completely terrified the past week, wondering if, you know, maybe I made a mistake here? I didn't, I'm pretty well sure, but the transition has been rough. Going from a place where I know most of the day-to-day people, where they rank, probably what they want and also how important (or unimportant) their query is... to a place where I don't know any of that. Really. Any of it. At all. Not to mention that at this point, I probably don't even know what they are talking about. So everything, everything, just kind of seems like an emergency until I figure out all the logistics of it... and it has been... exhausting. It will get better, and everyone is pretty understanding of my blank-stare-face... but it's frustrating for me to come from a place that I had it pretty well together, for the most part anyway - or I could at least fake it - to this, where I just.. well, blank stare. A lot.

Thankfully, I'm surrounded by a team of people that care, and that helps, and they lift me up in that a lot, and it's helpful. I really and truly look forward to getting to know all of them a little better...

I did get some kind of bad news this week, though.. it seems that the degree I'm working towards doesn't make me eligible to be licensed, which was my goal, eventually. So I sent out a bunch of requests for info for the schools locally to see who has what I need and who will transfer in the most credits for me, because at this point it looks like a transfer is what needs to happen. Unfortunately, it looks as though none of the online campuses offer the degree program that I need, which could prove difficult.. but I've come this far, and I just have to do some research to see what's out there and figure out my next steps. It will be fine, and it seems like pretty much all of the classes that I have taken are very similar to the classes in the other program that I need, so hopefully transferring won't be too big of a deal.... more to come on that as I know.

In other news, we're doing this thing for June where we are vegans. I mean, we're not really, but we're eating like vegans. So. Veganism, for those that don't know, is a step past vegetarianism - no dairy, no meat-based products. This came about by a session at church in which we watched a documentary regarding the possible health benefits to a plant-based diet - as well as the negative effects of eating meat and meat products (I should probably add here that the idea is not anything having to do with the Bible saying that eating meat is wrong, or anything like that - it is more the idea that if you are healthy, you live longer, and if you live longer, you have longer to do the work of the Kingdom). Of course, who knows what is true, and we didn't necessarily feed into all of it. But we're so good at being "food weird" that we figured it was worth a shot. Meat-based diets, according to the documentary (which, honestly, I have no idea what it was called because I walked in a few minutes after it started), are the cause of heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc. In discussing this with B, that kind of made it even more worth trying, considering that our families both have all of these things kind of running rampant. So, we try it for a month, see if we like it, and go for it - or not... it's more or less an experiment.

We're food weird. What can I say?

One thing I will say, the meals that we've made this week have been really fantastic. Surprisingly, my picky little ones have eaten everything, or at least tried it. The only thing they weren't a fan of was tonight's Pasta w/Butternut Squash. It's kind of cool because we're really cooking every meal, and not only that, there are things like, you know, butternut squash and kale in my fridge, which has never happened before. So, it's helping us to branch out a little, which is one of the real reasons that I'm excited about it. And it totally limits, and really pretty much eliminates, eating out. At all. Because you have no idea how anything was prepared - butter or oil? Eggs? And there really isn't anywhere that I would go that I care enough about the food to even ask, it's just easier to skip it altogether.

Maybe Chipotle. Whatev.

The food we've made has been healthier, which is probably kind of obvious. And it was kind of topical this week, with the USDA changing the food pyramid and all. We're trendy I guess. ha.

Oh - digressing a little, one of the things that I like about my new job, which kind of goes with the "healthy" thing, is that I am pretty much never sitting at a desk. I mean, maybe two hours of the day. I am really just kind of out and about in the community, and if there is one thing that I can love about this job immediately - even with the discomfort and newness of it - it is that.

So, yeah, new job, new food...

Big Jay is starting the summer program at his school next week. I am still kind of avoiding thinking about how close he is to kindergarten, possibly only for my own emotional stability. The summer program is a bit "looser" in their routine. They still have groups, they still have the same teachers, but they are outside a lot... and they have field trips almost weekly, as long as their behavior allows it. I'm pretty interested to see how it plays out this summer. Right now we're still in a pretty good place with him, for the most part... summer is always good times for him, so.. we'll see how that goes.

Oh yeah, I met with his clinician last week. Big Jay has been talking about a girl in his class (I think the only girl in his class actually) a lot lately. This past week he told me that he was going to be her best friend forever, and he has to be that in order for them to get married. And then he said "I know that because you and daddy are best friends forever, and you were before you got married, right?" It's funny, his little theories, because so much of that kind of stuff we haven't really talked to him directly about yet. I'm glad to know that he sees B and I as best friends, even though we haven't necessarily labeled ourselves as such in front of Big Jay. Another nice touch was that, according to his clinician, he told his class that you have to be married in order to have babies. Considering, she said, the majority of those kids are in single-parent homes with mothers that have never been married, I was glad that none of his classmates really challenged that idea with him. But it's kind of nice to know that the foundation is being built correctly!

Anyway, so he's doing well.. I'm proud of where he is. Little Jae is also doing well. She was happy to get back into her routine this week, with her teachers and friends at daycare.

I can't really think of much else.. just trying not to be overwhelmed by life changes right now, I guess. Things are moving in the right direction though, so I have no real complaints. I hope everyone is doing well. :)