The Babbling Brooke

Three & Six Mafia

So, it's that time of year. With all the birthdays.

Little Jae turned 3, three weeks ago, and I managed to get by without a sappy, tear-inducing post about how MYBABYISGROWINGUPGAHHHHH. You are welcome.

Big Jay turns 6 tomorrow... and for the first time since Little Jae was born, I think his is hitting me harder.

Regardless of the mix of positive and nostalgic emotions that happen this time of year for me each year, the fact is that these two are awesome.

For those of you that don't know my babies? They really are awesome, and I am their mom, so I know. I'm so blessed with happy, healthy and amazingly hilarious children. Really blessed. Thank you, God, I owe you, man.

I am sparing everyone of the annual run-down of their accomplishments. Not because they didn't have any, but because I wouldn't know where to start. They've both gone from babies to children this year. Both of them, at the same time. And I don't know how that happened.

But it's awesome. And they are awesome. And this next year is going to be full of even more awesome than we have had in the past year. Lots more.

So, happy birthdays, Big & Little. I love you both dearly. I don't know who I'd be if you each hadn't turned me into your mom.

experiential.

I can only really speak for myself through what is going on here, and it's hard to explain what it is that I, personally, as his mom, am going through.

There really is no fear, I'm not worried about him being there. I know that he's having a great time. The psychiatrist said that most kids his age have a "camp-like" experience, where the activities that explore their emotions, thoughts and feelings are just.. fun. Games. Considering that he was already at a preschool in which they did group therapy three times a day, this is pretty much normal to him anyway, the only difference being that he doesn't go home at the end of the day. He didn't seem scared or upset when we saw him yesterday - in fact, he kicked us out of the visitation early because he didn't want to miss storytime.

I do randomly cry throughout the day, and that's hard to explain because although I miss him, I normally wouldn't be with him at 11am anyway. Our normal time together is 6pm to 7:30pm, which is exactly when their visitation is.

I haven't slept well for the last two nights... not really thinking about anything in particular, just restless. I can't sit still. I laughed at myself earlier because it's almost as though I'm imitating his ADHD. I'm not focused on anything - I keep doing things halfway. I put soap in the dishwasher and forgot to start it. Poured coffee and left it there. Folded half a load of landry. I can't sit through a whole TV show. It's taken me forever to write this, and it probably isn't even as coherent as I think it is. I think I've stopped in my tracks and asked B about seventeen times the past couple of days "uh, what was I just about to do?" In between these things, I pace like a maniac through the house trying to keep myself busy, starting something and then walking away from it.

It's probably a good thing I haven't gone to work the past couple of days. I can only imagine what any of my deliverables would look like.

***

Many of you have asked how Little Jae is doing. In truth, I think she is a little confused. Mom and dad have both been pretty tearful the past few days for no apparent reason (to her). We went to a strange place last night to see her brother, and then we left him there with people she had never seen before. When it was time to go, she kept saying to me "I'm going with you," and she cried if I even turned my back away from her for any reason, as though she was afraid we were going to leave her there too.

At bedtime last night, she had a hard time going to sleep. Maybe because it was later than usual and she was overtired, but also maybe just because her brother wasn't a few feet away in his bed.

She asks for him often.. asks where he is, and we tell her. And she has no idea what we are talking about, and that is expected. I took her to daycare today even though I am home, in hopes that maybe keeping her regular routine would help her feel a bit more secure.

We're praying for her in this situation, too.

***

A few people have shared that they don't think that we should be telling people what is going on, that people don't need to know or that we should just tell people that he is in the "hospital" rather than residential treatment, or what has happened.

I guess maybe I should explain my motivation in sharing, because it was something that I said right away to B - that I wasn't going to keep any of this a secret. Recall that I'm going to school in order to work with families that are dealing with different types of mental illness.. families that are seeking services to help them through their individual circumstances. Families that don't know how to communicate with each other, or anyone else, about what they are feeling regarding some crisis that they are going through... and that need to share, but inability to, is tearing them apart and making things worse.

Mental illness, neurological disorders... whatever it is that we are dealing with here, however you want to categorize it... families kept secrets in the 1800s about it. For hundreds of years, people were institutionalized - for life -  for smaller issues than what Big Jay has, and at that point shunned from their family because mental illness was stigmatized so heavily. Granted, we've come along way, but a large part of the stigma is still there because so many people have no idea what it really means, or what these families - our family - go through. This stigma leads to people not seeking help when they really need it. This in turn leads to services being cut because they are being underutilized, or even because people don't want to fund things that they don't understand.

I'm not going to get political right now.. but there is a political piece to explore, if you really want to think about it.

In addition to that, I don't think it's necessarily fair to ask people to pray for us and then not tell them why they need to pray, and that also causes some unnecessary worry. I think it's easier to talk to God about something when you can be specific about what you are talking about.

I'm not ashamed of my son or what we are going through. We have been very open with everyone who has asked (and even people who haven't, haha) about some of our experiences, and will continue to be. We are just like any other parents, trying to get through each day and be the best parents we can, and provide for our children in the best way that we know how.

We just really want the people who love us, the people who love Big Jay, to understand him a little better, and us a little better. And so, I share.

Nick John Williams, Jr.

Last night my mom was here, up from Florida, visiting us on her way to visit the rest of the siblings and spend some time in the apparent Arctic, or so she made it seem. Both of my kids have missed her dearly, and Big Jay was bouncing off the walls the second we walked in the door, trying to cram as many words as he could into the visit, apparently trying to make up for lost time.

"Look! I have new shoes and they make me run fast and look watch me here I go wooooooooo and we planted seeds and there are radishes and tomatoes and they're starting to grow and we're going to put them outside but it's cold and I have this toy and this one and this one, and LOOK ARE YOU LOOKING AT THIS IT'S THE COOLEST THING EVER and I have a fish upstairs but the other one died and........"

I told him, very gently, that I needed him to go upstairs for five minutes and try to calm down. That I knew that he was excited, and that he most definitely was not in trouble, but.. just, five minutes. Just.. take it down a notch.

Ok, mom.

Three minutes later, he shuffles back downstairs, suitcase in hand.

"I'm leaving now. I'm going to Findlay. I'm going to find a new family," he announces to the room, in the most sincere tone he could manage. He mentioned that he was going to find Madelyn and that she would help him get himself set up (or something to that effect).

"Really?" I asked him. "Hmm. That's too bad, because your grandma is here and she hasn't seen you for awhile... and also, you know, you earned some video game time at school for tonight that I was just about to set up for you."

"Well, my man is going to be here soon, so, I really have to be ready."

"Your man? Who is that?" we asked him.

"His name is Nick," he answers slowly "and he's going to pick me up in a monster truck." My mom acts impressed by the monster truck.

"Nick who?" I ask him.

"Nick..... John. Junior. We call him that."

"Nick John. What's his last name?"

"Uh... Williams," he states.

"Oh.. so Nick John Williams Junior is going to come and pick you up soon, huh? In a monster truck. I mean, you know, I really wanted to make sure you got your video game time tonight."

"Well, actually, Nick was in the army. And did you know that guys in the Army have TVs in their monster trucks? They do. So... I can just take the game with me. He's going to be here in twenty minutes."

"Wow, that is so cool that he has a TV in his monster truck. But, you know, I was just going to get started making dinner, and I was going to make spaghetti because I know that is your favorite... but you know, I don't think it's going to be ready in twenty minutes. That's too bad......"

"I meant ninety minutes," he quickly backtracked.

"Oh.. well good then." He put his suitcase by the door. Throughout the rest of the evening, any time something wasn't quite going his way, he would gently nudge me and say "well, you know, Nick is going to be here any minute now..."

*****

As I sat down to write this, a memory that I don't want to forget of my oldest child's wonderful, and hilarious, imagination... a slightly-frantic B started yelling at me. From the kids' room... where they had been asleep for over an hour. Supposedly.

"Honey? HONEY? Where.. where is she?" I heard him upstairs opening and closing the closet door, the bathroom door.. shuffling quickly across the floor.

"Seriously... SERIOUSLY? Where IS she??" His voice grew frantic.

As I went upstairs to try to find Little Jae, I heard his breath catch.. and then he started laughing softly.

 

 

perspective.

B and I met with Big Jay's teachers on Thursday to discuss the apparent backsliding in behavior lately. It's interesting to me to sit and discuss things that other people see in him, and how they do or don't match up with the things that we see at home. One of his teachers gave me a pretty good visual on 99% of Big Jay's aggressive outbursts and how they come to be. It's funny, because her idea matches a discussion that I had with his clinician a few months ago, but I didn't really put the pieces together until we sat down on Thursday.

So.. Big Jay really, really cares about what people think of him. It is really, really important to him to have friends, that people get along, and that they want to play with him and love him and each other and, you know, world peace and everything. Sounds nice, right?

According to his teachers, nine times out of ten, his outbursts come when one of his friends is taking a break and doesn't want to play with him. In this school, it is a good thing if the kids are taking breaks when they are necessary. If they let you know, hey, I just can't deal right now, I don't want to play with you, you should probably take heed to that. Another issue is when kids (keep in mind these are 5-year-olds) tell him that they don't want to be his friend anymore.

Big Jay takes these things to heart. He takes them personally, even if the kid is just placing him/herself in timeout and needs a break from life, he takes it as rejection. We see this at home too - when "Jace, please don't do that" turns into "YOU HATE ME" and the anger ensues.

It's just a different perspective than what I've taken before - obviously, it's still an issue with impulse control, when he just gets so upset so quickly and acts out on that without thinking.

I've taken him completely off of the medication. He didn't have it for 9 days, then we decided to give him half a pill today during church just because he was extra fidgety this morning (it's one of those that he does not have to be weaned on and off of, in case anyone is concerned). Again, it seemed to make things worse, so. We're done with that one.

***

We got a second car on Friday. Finally! B has a car! It is very much a car that will get him to work and home, and is not the "family" car... but it will serve it's purpose and B is really excited to have it. As am I, because it shortens my commute by over an hour, each way, probably. And, I will learn to drive a stick shift at some point soon, because it is a stick.. and I haven't ever learned to drive one.

Of course we pay for the car and get it on Friday morning, and then on Friday evening the van starts acting crazy. It's in the shop - I have no guesses as to what the problem is, except that there is definitely a problem, and I am definitely not driving my babies around in it until it is better. So that was a fun little adventure as well.

***

Little Jae! Is! Potty! Trained! She wore underwear to daycare all week this week and only came home with dirty clothes ONE day. I'm so ridiculously excited about not having to buy diapers anymore, I could cry. Both of them are still in pullups for overnights, though, so once we get past that, I will be thrilled.

***

Planted our seeds for this season the past couple of weeks. All organic, none of which will probably actually go in the ground at any point (considering we're in an apartment and I worry they will get pulled or cut down if we plant them). We're probably going to go with a self-watering container garden and all of that fun stuff (I know, I know... don't judge me, I don't know what's gotten into me either). We planted mass tomatoes, as well as radishes, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, peppers, more peppers, banana peppers, annnd.. chives, I think? I'm so excited about it - and committed, when I think about how much money it would save us, especially since they are organic. Wooot!

***

I guess the other important thing to mention about the meeting we had with the teachers is that B asked them if we were crazy for thinking he would be ready for a mainstream kindergarten in the fall.

Adamantly, his two teachers and his clinician all agreed that he would be ready. Academically, they said, he is way beyond his peers. He's ready to go, yesterday. Socially, even with the problems they have seen with him, he has an understanding of what the rules are and how to be a friend to someone - even if he doesn't act on that understanding - which still puts him above many typical five-year-olds there as well. If we can just get him to understand boundaries, to control his feelings, to not take what he considers as rejection so personally, he is so, very ready for kindergarten.

I almost cried at how good it felt to see how sure they were.

 

ellipsis....

Home today because of Little Jae's 102 (now 103.7) fever... she is lethargic and whiny, and I look out the window and it is cold and dreary... and these things altogether sum up my mood today. Stress can really knock you off your feet sometimes......

***

I'm on break from school until the 23rd, which couldn't have come at a better time. I think I'm going to take the summer off (after this coming term), which wasn't in my original plan but is, I think, necessary. Summertime is so anxiously-awaited in this household so that we can get outdoors and do family things, I think I would really be upset if I felt like I was missing that and had to sit inside and study or do homework. I know, I know, sacrifices and such... but I sacrificed summers for my first degree. Family comes first now.

I'm waiting for grades to come out for this past term. I was borderline A/B throughout the majority of one of my classes, but I'm really hoping that I can pull out the A and keep my "president's list" status. They sent me a certificate last term stating that I made President's list. Pretty awesome, considering during my first college experience, I didn't get any kind of honors for any term! It's so funny how different my mindset has been this time around....

***

Little Jae's daycare situation is going really well. Not only is it ridiculously more convenient for me (commute-wise), but I have enjoyed getting to know her teachers, and watching her react to the new situation. The first week was rough, but she is definitely warming up now. Her teachers at her old daycare called her the "mother" of the class... her new teachers tell me that she just wants to help them do everything - put away the cots, clean the tables, etc. I love that she is such a nurterer at such a young age. It makes me very positive for the things that are to come for her....

***

Big Jay is back on a behavioral teeter-totter at school and I would really just rather pretend like that isn't happening. We've nearly completed one of the therapies (parent-child interaction therapy, or PCIT) that the school has offered us, and things seem to really be improving at home. And at church. And everywhere we go, really. Everywhere except for school, where his behavior escalates nearly every day, and his aggression is back to a point where he isn't allowed to participate when they do things like field trips.

Another factor in all this is that we did start him on a very mild medication at the beginning of last month. I didn't share here for lack of time, but also because I have very, very mixed feelings about it. Watching him the first couple of days walk around like a dazed zombie (it made him very, very tired for nearly a week until he got used to it) was uncomfortable for me. Even B, who is really very open to medication as part of the solution for Big Jay, those first couple of days kept saying "this just.. isn't him." I debate daily whether or not to give it to him (I didn't give it to him today), because it just doesn't seem to help, and there is a part of me that wonders if the increase in aggression the past couple weeks could be due to the medication, even though that isn't a listed side effect.

It's hard. It really is. I watch him progress in so many areas - the ability to sit and color, do worksheets with letters and numbers, play independently for any amount of time, listening to me and B at home, increased responsibility around the house, etc - and am so very, very proud. And then I get a note home from his teacher indicating that he was aggressive to his peers, he was playing too rough, he threw a tantrum and destroyed this or that toy, and/or was aggressive towards staff... and I just wonder where the disconnect is. We talk to him about his behavior at school. Depending on the offense, he is even punished for it at home.

We meet with his teachers and his clinician next week. I'm debating setting up an "emergency" meeting with the psychiatrist as well. I guess we will see what happens......

***

My second job is pretty awesome. I work 10-2 on Saturdays, and that's really it, short of the additional time it takes to write up the documentation. The family that I am working with has been through, obviously, a lot of ups and downs. The kids are nearly my kids' ages, so that kind of frames the situation for me a little, as a parent. And I have actually learned more from them than I would imagine they have learned from me so far.

It's so easy, in these situations from an outsider's perspective, to think that mothers - or parents - have screwed up irrevocably. To think that they don't deserve another chance with their children, or that they just don't care about them. But man.. the list of things that they have to do to get their kids back, once they have been taken, seems insurmountable. Necessary, sure, but intimidating from that end of it. I can't imagine wanting so badly to see my kids, and have them not available to me, except for two or four hours a week. I can't imagine changing my life and facing every single mistake that I have made, and having people - people that really have no idea of these day-to-day struggles - continue to hold those mistakes against me for years to come. I can't imagine worrying about every little bruise that happens to my five or six-year-old, and wondering if I will be blamed for it.

These are the things that I'm learning, really. From the perspective of a parent that is truly trying to change things, how difficult it can be. And it really makes me wonder if we (societally, sorry, I know I'm getting kind of deep) don't perpetuate addiction sometimes, considering how much pressure is placed on those that have the disease. Most of us that do not have an addiction don't quite get how it can be so hard, so impossible to think of others before your own fix... how that is a daily battle.

I'm learning.... they are teaching me... (and I will definitely be sorting through my feelings here as far as this goes, soon)...

***

We have two vacations potentially scheduled this year. South Carolina seems to be the place to go. Our family vacation will be to Myrtle Beach again, in May. And then in September, I think that B and I are going to Columbia, SC for 5 days or so around our anniversary.

Words cannot express how much I could use a vacation right now....

***

Keeping with my goals for the year, and the fact that I would like to run a half-marathon this fall, I am looking to start running again in the next week, consistently. It should be easier for me considering I don't have school right now, and daylight savings is this week, giving me another hour of daylight each evening. According to the training schedule, before I can "officially" begin training, I need to run 8-10 miles per week consistently prior to even starting work towards the half. So my starting point is going to be.. you know, just getting out there. I know I've gained some wait in the past couple of months and am really going to struggle to get back to where I was, but I also know how good it felt to be out there, and make to make progress... so, I'm eager to start.

Tomorrow is looking 55ish and sunny, so it just might be the day.....