Home today because of Little Jae's 102 (now 103.7) fever... she is lethargic and whiny, and I look out the window and it is cold and dreary... and these things altogether sum up my mood today. Stress can really knock you off your feet sometimes......
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I'm on break from school until the 23rd, which couldn't have come at a better time. I think I'm going to take the summer off (after this coming term), which wasn't in my original plan but is, I think, necessary. Summertime is so anxiously-awaited in this household so that we can get outdoors and do family things, I think I would really be upset if I felt like I was missing that and had to sit inside and study or do homework. I know, I know, sacrifices and such... but I sacrificed summers for my first degree. Family comes first now.
I'm waiting for grades to come out for this past term. I was borderline A/B throughout the majority of one of my classes, but I'm really hoping that I can pull out the A and keep my "president's list" status. They sent me a certificate last term stating that I made President's list. Pretty awesome, considering during my first college experience, I didn't get any kind of honors for any term! It's so funny how different my mindset has been this time around....
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Little Jae's daycare situation is going really well. Not only is it ridiculously more convenient for me (commute-wise), but I have enjoyed getting to know her teachers, and watching her react to the new situation. The first week was rough, but she is definitely warming up now. Her teachers at her old daycare called her the "mother" of the class... her new teachers tell me that she just wants to help them do everything - put away the cots, clean the tables, etc. I love that she is such a nurterer at such a young age. It makes me very positive for the things that are to come for her....
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Big Jay is back on a behavioral teeter-totter at school and I would really just rather pretend like that isn't happening. We've nearly completed one of the therapies (parent-child interaction therapy, or PCIT) that the school has offered us, and things seem to really be improving at home. And at church. And everywhere we go, really. Everywhere except for school, where his behavior escalates nearly every day, and his aggression is back to a point where he isn't allowed to participate when they do things like field trips.
Another factor in all this is that we did start him on a very mild medication at the beginning of last month. I didn't share here for lack of time, but also because I have very, very mixed feelings about it. Watching him the first couple of days walk around like a dazed zombie (it made him very, very tired for nearly a week until he got used to it) was uncomfortable for me. Even B, who is really very open to medication as part of the solution for Big Jay, those first couple of days kept saying "this just.. isn't him." I debate daily whether or not to give it to him (I didn't give it to him today), because it just doesn't seem to help, and there is a part of me that wonders if the increase in aggression the past couple weeks could be due to the medication, even though that isn't a listed side effect.
It's hard. It really is. I watch him progress in so many areas - the ability to sit and color, do worksheets with letters and numbers, play independently for any amount of time, listening to me and B at home, increased responsibility around the house, etc - and am so very, very proud. And then I get a note home from his teacher indicating that he was aggressive to his peers, he was playing too rough, he threw a tantrum and destroyed this or that toy, and/or was aggressive towards staff... and I just wonder where the disconnect is. We talk to him about his behavior at school. Depending on the offense, he is even punished for it at home.
We meet with his teachers and his clinician next week. I'm debating setting up an "emergency" meeting with the psychiatrist as well. I guess we will see what happens......
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My second job is pretty awesome. I work 10-2 on Saturdays, and that's really it, short of the additional time it takes to write up the documentation. The family that I am working with has been through, obviously, a lot of ups and downs. The kids are nearly my kids' ages, so that kind of frames the situation for me a little, as a parent. And I have actually learned more from them than I would imagine they have learned from me so far.
It's so easy, in these situations from an outsider's perspective, to think that mothers - or parents - have screwed up irrevocably. To think that they don't deserve another chance with their children, or that they just don't care about them. But man.. the list of things that they have to do to get their kids back, once they have been taken, seems insurmountable. Necessary, sure, but intimidating from that end of it. I can't imagine wanting so badly to see my kids, and have them not available to me, except for two or four hours a week. I can't imagine changing my life and facing every single mistake that I have made, and having people - people that really have no idea of these day-to-day struggles - continue to hold those mistakes against me for years to come. I can't imagine worrying about every little bruise that happens to my five or six-year-old, and wondering if I will be blamed for it.
These are the things that I'm learning, really. From the perspective of a parent that is truly trying to change things, how difficult it can be. And it really makes me wonder if we (societally, sorry, I know I'm getting kind of deep) don't perpetuate addiction sometimes, considering how much pressure is placed on those that have the disease. Most of us that do not have an addiction don't quite get how it can be so hard, so impossible to think of others before your own fix... how that is a daily battle.
I'm learning.... they are teaching me... (and I will definitely be sorting through my feelings here as far as this goes, soon)...
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We have two vacations potentially scheduled this year. South Carolina seems to be the place to go. Our family vacation will be to Myrtle Beach again, in May. And then in September, I think that B and I are going to Columbia, SC for 5 days or so around our anniversary.
Words cannot express how much I could use a vacation right now....
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Keeping with my goals for the year, and the fact that I would like to run a half-marathon this fall, I am looking to start running again in the next week, consistently. It should be easier for me considering I don't have school right now, and daylight savings is this week, giving me another hour of daylight each evening. According to the training schedule, before I can "officially" begin training, I need to run 8-10 miles per week consistently prior to even starting work towards the half. So my starting point is going to be.. you know, just getting out there. I know I've gained some wait in the past couple of months and am really going to struggle to get back to where I was, but I also know how good it felt to be out there, and make to make progress... so, I'm eager to start.
Tomorrow is looking 55ish and sunny, so it just might be the day.....