The Babbling Brooke

Support

A lot has happened in January. For one, I started back to school. For two, my babygirl got hurt and had her first round of stitches ever. For three, I fell in love with my job probably harder than I was before, in one night.

School is alright. I'm only taking one class right now, and it's a multicultural class. It has made for some interesting discussions at home, because my readings are about the stages of determining your racial identity (which is particularly interesting considering our biracial children), and my husband just happens to be reading a Barack Obama biography and the different things that he went through.. trying to navigate our children's identities is going to be a nice little challenge for us, I think, all things considered. I was telling B the other day... the majority of those that our kids are around are black - school/daycare, church, family, etc. But most often if an outsider looks at them, they will classify them as white... considering that it is obvious that they are mixed with something... but most definitely have white features, if some of the rest are unable to be classified without asking to be sure. And then comes the question, what are you more swayed by, who you identify with because you are surrounded by them, or where society places you? In a dream world, of course, they wouldn't have to "choose," but we can't be naive to think that they won't go through stages of questioning and evaluating things, and we as parents will have to handle that as it comes. I know this topic makes people uncomfortable, but I think this is going to be something that we really have to be aware of as our kids grow, and be open to the conversations and the questions regarding race.

Moving on.... Little Jae got hurt running around a couple of weeks ago. She took a nice fall into the bottom, metal rung of a chair at church. Her lip got split open, and one of her top front teeth got pushed back in her mouth. So, she got stitches, which was HUGELY traumatic for both of us. Honestly, I think it was worse for me, and I'm not just being sensitive. She screamed and cried and was so obviously scared. She screamed for me and then just looked at me with these horribly accusing eyes, as though I was LETTING these horrible people torture her for no reason. And then?? And then she started crying out for daddy instead. As though I had failed her. It broke my heart into a million pieces.

At that point, we were also told by the pediatric dentist that her tooth would need pulled. I opted not to do that the same day, and to go back another time, as she had been through a lot already. When we went back, they decided it wasn't necessary to pull it and that it wasn't effecting her permanent tooth. Score! I was told to keep an eye out for infection or nerve damage, which would take the form of sores in her mouth or the tooth turning discolored. Well, fast forward two weeks... and yesterday I notice that her tooth is pretty much grey. Sigh. So I will have to call them tomorrow and make an appointment to get her tooth extracted. For real this time. Boo!

As far as my job goes... I don't even know where to start. We have been working to start support groups for the parents that we work with, in order for them to have support systems within their communities. With our clientele, there are often a lot of barriers - they often have no transportation, may or may not have support to watch their children, sometimes don't even have food to eat each day. Well, part of the planning for this effort was to reduce the barriers so that they could come and be listened to, and share. We transported them to our office, provided childcare, and got local restaurants to donate food to these families that may not have otherwise eaten. It was a huge effort to plan, but awesome right? Not only that, but once the group started, the ways in which these people were able to open up about what they had been through was so impactful for everyone. It is just awesome to be able to really feel like you are making a difference to them. Just listening to them, and letting them relate to one another's experiences was so huge... I loved every minute of it, and it was so powerful. It was yet another way that reminded me why I moved to this path.

I have more to write about, not least of which is my adorable new nephew that was born prematurely a couple of weeks ago (and is doing AWESOME), but I'm sick today - the weather is finally catching up to me, I think - so I'm going to go lay down while these kids watch a movie. I hope you all are doing well so far in this new year.

Resilience

One of the most important lessons that I've learned so far at my job - out of many, many lessons in a very, very short time - is that people, namely children, are incredibly resilient.

Stay with me here for a minute if you think I'm stating the obvious.

I look at my kids each day, especially on our especially difficult days, and know that they are resilient. Even on days that I'm not quite so patient, or not quite the mom that I want to be, they still love me. They still wake up the next morning with smiles on their faces, and wanting to spend time with me, no matter how much I have beaten myself up over whatever little infraction I have done.

The kids that I work with though.. they are resilient to a degree that I have never seen in my children (nor, of course, do I necessarily want to see). They have been through the wringer, sometimes repeatedly, by people that they should be able to trust.

Daily, I read the backgrounds on cases that are open and happening throughout our community. And, for the record, I'm not necessarily talking about the deep, dark scary parts of the community. I'm talking about everywhere in this city - from the big, crazy houses that I feel like I may not be worthy to step in, to an apartment complex that is down the street from mine, from the inner city to the outer rural bits. So many people think that child abuse and neglect.. that deep-rooted family problems and mental illnesses.. are so far removed from them - they're really not.

I spend a lot of the time that I am in the community actively forgiving people for mistakes that they have made with their children. For someone like me, who has kind of a bleeding heart for kids.. this active forgiveness can be a feat in itself.

The child in a wheelchair, barely able to function.... a product of Shaken Baby Syndrome. The one so traumatized by being in the car during a drive-by shooting... the other one who has been removed and placed with different foster families several times while their mother relapses repeatedly, and.. is relapsing again. These parents, the one who - possibly - shook the child.. the one who made the decision to put the kid in the back seat.. the one who just can't get a handle on their addiction... I work with them. I work with these parents.

And every. single. time. I am absolutely floored by how attached these kids are to these parents. No matter how many times they have let them down, no matter how many, or what, allegations are present...

So, while these kids are resilient, I work to forgive their parents on their behalf in order to mend the relationship, and to move forward. Correct the wrongs. Educate.

Because 99.999999% of the time? The parents had no ill intent. None. They love their children to pieces. They want what is best for them. They want a future, they have dreams for them, and they want them to dream up their own as well. They want them to achieve. But something - an addiction, lack of knowledge, generational misunderstandings and mistakes, mental illness - got in the way. And we just have to make sure that when that something rears its ugly head again, that they are prepared to confront it. We equip them. Empower them.

And you know what is kind of amazing about it? Seeing progress. As time goes on, some of them.. not all of them, of course, but some... begin to understand. To empathize. To learn. To be accountable for their past, and to make changes.

So, on both sides, there is a level of resilience that I had never been privvy to. I don't know how these kids love so hard when boundaries have been breached. I don't know how these parents overcome their obstacles, their challenges, society's judgment, and - mostly - how they forgive themselves and move on.

But it happens. And when it does, it is awesome. And I am so, so very proud to be a small part of it.

Updates, because they are necessary. And I have a blog.

As you probably know, I started a new job this week that has me running through every single emotion possible. I have ranged from off-the-wall excited to completely terrified the past week, wondering if, you know, maybe I made a mistake here? I didn't, I'm pretty well sure, but the transition has been rough. Going from a place where I know most of the day-to-day people, where they rank, probably what they want and also how important (or unimportant) their query is... to a place where I don't know any of that. Really. Any of it. At all. Not to mention that at this point, I probably don't even know what they are talking about. So everything, everything, just kind of seems like an emergency until I figure out all the logistics of it... and it has been... exhausting. It will get better, and everyone is pretty understanding of my blank-stare-face... but it's frustrating for me to come from a place that I had it pretty well together, for the most part anyway - or I could at least fake it - to this, where I just.. well, blank stare. A lot.

Thankfully, I'm surrounded by a team of people that care, and that helps, and they lift me up in that a lot, and it's helpful. I really and truly look forward to getting to know all of them a little better...

I did get some kind of bad news this week, though.. it seems that the degree I'm working towards doesn't make me eligible to be licensed, which was my goal, eventually. So I sent out a bunch of requests for info for the schools locally to see who has what I need and who will transfer in the most credits for me, because at this point it looks like a transfer is what needs to happen. Unfortunately, it looks as though none of the online campuses offer the degree program that I need, which could prove difficult.. but I've come this far, and I just have to do some research to see what's out there and figure out my next steps. It will be fine, and it seems like pretty much all of the classes that I have taken are very similar to the classes in the other program that I need, so hopefully transferring won't be too big of a deal.... more to come on that as I know.

In other news, we're doing this thing for June where we are vegans. I mean, we're not really, but we're eating like vegans. So. Veganism, for those that don't know, is a step past vegetarianism - no dairy, no meat-based products. This came about by a session at church in which we watched a documentary regarding the possible health benefits to a plant-based diet - as well as the negative effects of eating meat and meat products (I should probably add here that the idea is not anything having to do with the Bible saying that eating meat is wrong, or anything like that - it is more the idea that if you are healthy, you live longer, and if you live longer, you have longer to do the work of the Kingdom). Of course, who knows what is true, and we didn't necessarily feed into all of it. But we're so good at being "food weird" that we figured it was worth a shot. Meat-based diets, according to the documentary (which, honestly, I have no idea what it was called because I walked in a few minutes after it started), are the cause of heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc. In discussing this with B, that kind of made it even more worth trying, considering that our families both have all of these things kind of running rampant. So, we try it for a month, see if we like it, and go for it - or not... it's more or less an experiment.

We're food weird. What can I say?

One thing I will say, the meals that we've made this week have been really fantastic. Surprisingly, my picky little ones have eaten everything, or at least tried it. The only thing they weren't a fan of was tonight's Pasta w/Butternut Squash. It's kind of cool because we're really cooking every meal, and not only that, there are things like, you know, butternut squash and kale in my fridge, which has never happened before. So, it's helping us to branch out a little, which is one of the real reasons that I'm excited about it. And it totally limits, and really pretty much eliminates, eating out. At all. Because you have no idea how anything was prepared - butter or oil? Eggs? And there really isn't anywhere that I would go that I care enough about the food to even ask, it's just easier to skip it altogether.

Maybe Chipotle. Whatev.

The food we've made has been healthier, which is probably kind of obvious. And it was kind of topical this week, with the USDA changing the food pyramid and all. We're trendy I guess. ha.

Oh - digressing a little, one of the things that I like about my new job, which kind of goes with the "healthy" thing, is that I am pretty much never sitting at a desk. I mean, maybe two hours of the day. I am really just kind of out and about in the community, and if there is one thing that I can love about this job immediately - even with the discomfort and newness of it - it is that.

So, yeah, new job, new food...

Big Jay is starting the summer program at his school next week. I am still kind of avoiding thinking about how close he is to kindergarten, possibly only for my own emotional stability. The summer program is a bit "looser" in their routine. They still have groups, they still have the same teachers, but they are outside a lot... and they have field trips almost weekly, as long as their behavior allows it. I'm pretty interested to see how it plays out this summer. Right now we're still in a pretty good place with him, for the most part... summer is always good times for him, so.. we'll see how that goes.

Oh yeah, I met with his clinician last week. Big Jay has been talking about a girl in his class (I think the only girl in his class actually) a lot lately. This past week he told me that he was going to be her best friend forever, and he has to be that in order for them to get married. And then he said "I know that because you and daddy are best friends forever, and you were before you got married, right?" It's funny, his little theories, because so much of that kind of stuff we haven't really talked to him directly about yet. I'm glad to know that he sees B and I as best friends, even though we haven't necessarily labeled ourselves as such in front of Big Jay. Another nice touch was that, according to his clinician, he told his class that you have to be married in order to have babies. Considering, she said, the majority of those kids are in single-parent homes with mothers that have never been married, I was glad that none of his classmates really challenged that idea with him. But it's kind of nice to know that the foundation is being built correctly!

Anyway, so he's doing well.. I'm proud of where he is. Little Jae is also doing well. She was happy to get back into her routine this week, with her teachers and friends at daycare.

I can't really think of much else.. just trying not to be overwhelmed by life changes right now, I guess. Things are moving in the right direction though, so I have no real complaints. I hope everyone is doing well. :)

Randomosity.

So, this week has been hard on me. Emotional where it probably didn't have to be, but I didn't actually prepare for it in that way, so it was. The email went out yesterday morning announcing that this is my last week (vacation next week, you know) and then the goodbyes started. Interestingly enough, in all of the animosity towards many of the people that I work with on a daily basis, I had forgotten that, yes actually, there were quite a few people that I really did enjoy working with throughout the years.

Beyond that, though, I have two days left there, and then vacation, and then I start a new page.

I read through my entries here from the past couple of months, and I realize how much we have kind of been put through the wringer. It's been interesting, to say the least. We went from the very very low point of only being able to see Big Jay for an hour and a half every day during the hospital visitation time, and all of the emotions and stress that went with that, to the very very high point of getting a bright, shiny brand new job, and now in two days I have my last day in the office, and then the day after that we're going on vacation.

My new position is at the same agency that hired me part time at the end of last year. I'll still partially be doing the same thing - direct service to the community - but in addition to those cases, I will be supervising a team of mentors (those doing the same thing I was hired on originally for). I will also be learning the administrative portions that go along with it.. the required documentation, working with the funding sources, etc. The agency is going through a lot of big changes right now - growing, adding resources and services - and I think I will have a pretty big impact on trying to get everyone through the growth and change processes... considering, of course, that process improvements, effeciencies and such make up a gigantic piece of my background.

All of that to say, I am wholly and completely excited to get started. I think there is so much for me to learn, I'm almost intimidated by it. But - the management team, and the agency itself, seems like such a positive and supportive atmosphere for that kind of growth, so I really think it's a great place for me to get started and begin to grow my new career.

***

Enough about me, though. My son is awesome. Can we talk about his awesomeness? Big Jay has had such an amazing couple of weeks at school, and I'm immensely proud of him. He has come home with all-green daily reports for six days straight. If that isn't progress, I couldn't tell you what is. I'm nearly flabbergasted every time I pick him up in the afternoon at the many splashes of green or the "great day!" comments left by his teachers. The Good Work stamps that line his arms just about each day from his group therapy sessions show me that the staff at his school is pretty impressed with him too. 

It's been so long since we've been here, in this positive place with him. Consistently. 

What has changed? Well. It's nicer outside, so he's had more of a chance to run energy off (when it isn't pouring down rain). I think that is a portion of it. Another portion, I have to admit, is the medicine. We increased his dosage a little less than a month ago, and also switched him to the tablet form of the Addrall, instead of the extended release capsule version. This means that he's now taking a dose in the morning and at school with lunch.

It seems to be working, no?

We have an in-home counselor now, too, although she has only been here once to just go over our goals and such and won't be back until we're back from vacation. She will mainly be working on relationship building - between Big Jay and I, but mostly between Big Jay and Little Jae. These two are awesome, but they are also siblings... and they have a huge problem dealing with one another. Any argument escalates about seventeen times faster than normal, and she has already learned how to push every button on him that we have tried to avoid, which can really be an intense place for him emotionally, especially since (even at two!) she does not back down easily. We are teaching him strategies to deal, but need to focus here on them, because even though she is younger, she is a peer.. and that is where there are still concerns. Social interactions with peers.

It is interesting to note that the majority of the issues that we still see are in the evenings and no longer at school, as we don't medicate him in the evenings. So, as Big Jay is dealing with Little Jae (and even me) in the evenings, he has no support from the medication that works so hard to help him control his impulses during the day.

Regardless, there is progress in every aspect, and we are very proud. Going on vacation on such a wonderfully high note with him makes me ecstatic for spending that time with him - where a month ago, I may have had a lot of concerns.

Love it. Hope you all are well. :)

Two Weeks Notice

Did you know that until yesterday I had never put two weeks notice in?

I mean, unless you count Kmart when I was 18... and it wasn't really like I was quitting, I actually transferred to one down here in Columbus when I moved to go to school.

Well, I mean, I guess I put two weeks in there when I got a job at the school. I mean, did I? I don't remember it. And I guess I put two weeks in at the school when I got a job at the bank... but I mean, that was workstudy, so that doesn't really count, right?

I mean, it's not like I had worked at either of those places for more than nine years of my life.

I cringe when I think about it. I know there are people reading this that I work with that have worked there a whole lot longer than me, even, but man. Nine years.

So, yeah, that happened. It was a lot harder than I expected it to be. There was a lot of feelings and throwing up throughout the day as I gathered information on benefits and overtime and counter-offered and asked some more questions, and maybe a panic attack after it was all done and over and I had a new job and two weeks left at the old place with all of the people that I have worked with for so very long.

But maybe not for the reasons that you would think.

It's not that I think I'm making a bad choice, or that I'm going to miss it at my current job, or even the dip in pay that I'm taking.. if I had to guess why my body gave way on me or why I haven't really ate or slept soundly since everything came together... I think my guess would be that I am just so ridiculously excited and that I just haven't quite come down from that yet.

I mean, it's not just about quitting. It's also about getting a new job. This new job, in particular, which combines human services work with leadership, with direct service into the community.. with helping to build a brand that I believe in....... there aren't words to describe the excitement. There aren't. Not from my vantage point.

Throughout the day, as it all unfolded, I kept looking at a picture of my kids that I have on my desk at work. My kids, at five and two years old, aren't going to remember much of the me that works at the bank. The me that comes home frazzled and angry and frustrated hopefully will not last too much longer. Although I am well aware that this new position will come with its' own set of challenges, at the very least I can always say that what I do is for the good of the people that I serve, and for the community around us. I can't really say that now, not realistically anyway.

When my kids begin to think about what it is that they want to be when they grow up, no longer will they have two parents to look at that work in jobs that they don't believe in, or at positions that they hate 99% of the time (and that is not at all meant to sell B short, because he is definitely working on sorting out his next steps too). They will, at the very least, have a mom that they can say followed her call. Their mother took a step that not a whole lot of people can or will take. Granted, it was a course correction, and that original step could have been taken in a thousand other ways, and a whole lot sooner. But the fact is, it was taken. And I'm proud of it, and I feel like I'm being rewarded already for taking it.

So, more details about that later. For now, I'll say.. thank you for your support, even those of you that think I'm a nutcase. The kind words and excitement on my behalf has been awesome. I'm blessed by all of you. :)